Why Are We Still Talking About Gender Equality?
When I was young, I understood that the world could be an unfriendly place for girls. From catcalling to comments like, "You're wearing that?!”, I had a subtle understanding that this world wasn't always nice to girls and women.
However, I was never angry about it. I don't think I had the language to express what I felt about being objectified before(and after) the age of 18: I was afraid. I was angry. And I didn't know where to put those feelings or how to vocalize them.
Very specifically, I needed to believe that these incidents were exceptions to the rule. That a few bad apples didn't mean the whole tree was rotten, and that my Mr. Right was out there. My fairytale.
These microaggressions we, as women, experience never felt personal to me until they did. Like many women I know, I was sexually assaulted at the time in my life when it was most likely to happen - in college. Even as I healed, Roe v. Wade was passed. This, too, felt personal.
One very personal event and one very broad piece of legislation both told me that I was not a whole person. That my selfhood didn't matter.
So I did the very thing that has made most of us tired of talking about gender equity at all: I got angry. For a very long time.
It didn't get me very far. But you probably saw that coming, didn't you? Here's the funny thing about anger: we feel that our pain is unique, unlike anyone else's pain. But it's not.
The worst time to tell someone this, by the way, is when they're angry.
So instead, I want to talk today about why it's still important to talk about gender equity and how to approach the topic from an emotional place that won't exhaust you. I want to talk about how to maintain healthy relationships with people we don't see eye to eye with.
Because I still hear, in my personal and professional life, statements like these:
Women are more successful than men
Why do you think women aren't equal to men?
Do you feel like your life is unfair?
While I still feel the need to:
open articles like this with a disclaimer
remind you that you don't have to read my work if you don't want to
be responsible for how you experience this newsletter
The fact of the matter is, gender inequity still affects us and many people can't see that.
Abortion rights are one of the largest topics voters are keeping in mind as they go to the polls this year, with 13 states possibly voting on measures to protect abortion this November and six states having already done so.
White women still make 84% of what their male counterparts do, even when they have higher levels of education - and they feel pressured to take on more responsibility inside the home.
If a woman has a higher level of education than a man, it just doesn't matter - it's more likely that a man will earn more on average.
Advantages and Disadvantages
I want to start by saying that gender is just one way you can be at an advantage or disadvantage. Other factors, of course, affect what societal institutions you do and do not have access to. How easy it is for you to:
get a job
get into college
get married
buy a home
buy a house in a neighborhood with a "good" school
Is all affected by:
Gender and
race(and colorism as a subset of that; how light or dark your skin tone is)
sexuality
transgender identity
religion
socioeconomic status of your family of origin
being able-bodied or disabled
And more factors I'm sure I'm forgetting.
How We Shut Down the Potential for Rich Conversation
People are uniquely sensitive about these identifiers, and they're perceived differently in different cultures. Each one of the categories I just mentioned has people with terminal degrees who have devoted their lives to studying it. So let's just acknowledge this article is skimming the surface.
I want to zero in on that uniquely sensitive bit. Speaking from my experience, it's easy to grab onto a piece of my identity and get defensive about it, quickly. I think this touches on our tendency to view our experience as unique, as something that no one else could understand.
If a man says to me that I haven't had it hard in my life and just because I'm a woman I shouldn't be out here complaining, my instinct isn't to listen with an open mind.
It's to defend my idea of how I think I should be perceived and treated. When I respond defensively to these hypothetical claims I listed above, I'm immediately shutting down the potential for future conversation, even as I think I'm acting in my own best interest.
It's something I've seen in America again and again over the last few years.
We naturally prioritize our stance on our identity and the group we identify with, above having calm, thoughtful conversations as a means of survival.
In 2024, not only does it lead to what people describe as a "polarized political climate", but it prevents us from moving toward a healthier future.
Moving From Defensive to Empathetic
I want to name a few not absolute truths about the time we're living in, this "polarized political climate":
Some truths need to come to the surface
It can be time for a reckoning in our society and we can have open conversations
The more cemented we become in our view of the world through our "identity lens" and the more we hear opposing worldviews(particularly ones presented angrily), the more tired we become and the less willing we are to talk at all
So where do we go from here?
Here are a few steps I believe lead to more constructive dialogue and increased empathy around all of the loaded subjects weighing us down, including gender equity(or lack of it).
Rest
Before we can engage in conversations with others about our lived experiences of discrimination, unfair treatment, and barriers to access due to gender or take meaningful action, we need to take care of ourselves.
Awareness
Cultivate the ability to be in the present moment with what is. Awareness does not equal acceptance. It simply means that you aren't turning away from your present reality. This includes your inner experience(emotions, thoughts) and outer experience.
Non-Judgemental Listening
Out of awareness arises the ability to listen to what others have to say without judging them, becoming overly defensive, or shutting down. We need to be able to listen to each other without making snap judgments.
Respectful Disagreement
Many of us engage in conversation or argument without ever intending to truly listen to what the other person has to say. We bring our ideas about what should happen to social media, daily interactions, and family gatherings. Release the should.
Acknowledge the humanity in the person or people you're speaking to. From this sense of shared humanity, you can sense feelings of respect or dignity for those around you and engage with them meaningfully. You can disagree with their ideas without disrespecting their humanity.
Gratitude
Be grateful for the vulnerability of the person or people you're speaking to. It takes two willing parties to have an open, honest conversation. Be grateful for their vulnerability and be grateful for your own, even if the conversation didn't end how you wanted it to.
Healthy Processing of Emotions
Let yourself healthily process emotions. Punch a pillow. Go for a run. Make art.
Empathy
Underlying all of these is empathy, which we seem to be sorely lacking. That may be because empathy takes time to practice.
When someone fires off a comment we don't agree with on social media, for example, we have to stop and empathize with them to meaningfully engage with their comment. In such a busy world, who has time for empathy anymore?
It's essential if we're going to have the energy to talk about hard things and do hard things. It's imperative to acknowledge our shared humanity.
So, Why Are We Still Talking About Gender Equity?
To answer the question we started with, I would say this.
Women's History Month is a bitter consolation over the fact that there is an incredible lack of a social safety net in America. Childcare, support for mothers and families post-childbirth, and accessible healthcare are still far out of reach. Maternal mortality rates are ridiculously high in the U.S. As my fiance put in this morning, "If we just treated everyone with respect, we wouldn't need months".
People who have disadvantages that go unacknowledged by larger systems(government, large corporations) will continue to be sick and tired of being sick and tired
Gender inequity and inequity of all kinds permeate every aspect of life - from our jobs to our homes, the medical care we receive, and who holds the most power
I'll also say it gets old being reminded of the disadvantages you have. So celebrate the advantages you do have. Celebrate your life for all that it is. You only get one.
I hope to have robust conversations around gender equity this month in general, about freelancing and entrepreneurship, and how it manifests in all sorts of places - like healthcare and AI.
And I would love to hear from you.
Happy Monday.
